Is there a conversation you need to have with one of your team members, but you just can’t bring yourself to have it? Is there a serious discussion you need to have with your son or daughter, but didn’t know how to start without getting into an argument? Is there a situation you want to resolve with your spouse, but you are afraid you will make it worse if you say something? If your answer is yes to any of these questions, this is the book for you.

We all find ourselves in these types of situations from time to time. They are truly a test of our interpersonal skills as business leaders and family members.

Stone, Patton and Heen, Harvard professors with business, legal, counseling, and even some international peace negotiation experience, offer practical ideas about how to approach and work through these landmine-type situations.

The fundamental point of this book is that it’s not so much how you act in stressful, emotional, or conflict-ridden conversations that makes you successful or not, it’s how you think. The authors suggest that when we go into difficult conversations we need to put ourselves in a learning mindset and think “I want to see this situation from the other person’s point of view and then work with them to resolve it.” Too often, the authors suggest, we go in with a persuasive mindset and think, “I need to help this person understand my point of view.” The authors say that this is our biggest mistake. They contend that we can use all the good techniques and tactful words possible, but with the wrong mindset or approach none of these will work.

Much of the book focuses on three conversations that are going on simultaneously in our heads as we sit in a difficult conversation. The first internal conversation focuses on “What Happened?” If we are trying to persuade we easily fall into blaming others as we see our perspective as “the truth”. If we are in the learning mindset, we try to sort through both our answer to this question as well as the other person’s to gain a better perspective.

The second internal conversation we have with ourselves is about feelings and identity, which can cloud our ability to listen. If we ask ourselves the middle of a difficult conversation, “How am I feeling?” its hard to stay focused. If these feelings – anger, sadness, disappointment - get the best of us - they will make their way into our choice of words and actions whether we realize it or not.

Finally, difficult conversations often raise questions about our role and the way others value and respect us. Our third internal conversation could be about, “Who am I and what does the way I am acting in this conversation say about me?” For many leaders having a conversation in which learning and problem solving are the goals is unusual (versus the usual persuasion where “Here’s why you need to do what I say”.) Many of us have been taught that leaders are strong, decisive, and directive. What does it say about us if we suddenly sit down and want to talk through a situation instead of presenting a solution? This question gets in the way of us really talking with our team members, our kids and our spouses. If we see conversations about what matters most, in which we are open to influence, as a sign of weakness, it makes difficult conversations nearly impossible.

This book prompts leaders to have those difficult conversations rather than avoid them. The authors do an excellent job of raising our awareness about why difficult conversations are so tough. The last five chapters focus on practical suggestions about: 1) how to start a conversation, 2) how to listen well, 3) how to express yourself when it is time, and 4) how to problem solve with another person. Their ideas are not revolutionary. In fact they are similar to suggestions you would see in many books on sound communication. What these authors add is the focus on mindset.

Be a learner instead of a persuader when you need to have a tough conversation. It really works! This book is easy to carry around in your briefcase, readable in small doses, and a great bargain.